Life in a birdcage...

Random thoughts for 25 September 2005:

1) To be or not to be. To do or not to do. To seek and never find. Why do I always trip up when people ask me about my ambition? What do I want to be after I graduate from university? What area of law am I going to pursue? When am I going to give a big treat when I become a lawyer?

2) People always presume that going to law school means that you MUST be a lawyer after you graduate. This is certainly not the case. Let me give you a simple analogy, knowing how to cook doesn’t necessary mean you enjoy cooking. Get my drift….

3) I want to do something I enjoy but the sad reality in life is that half the time we always end up doing things which we know are good for us rather than enjoying what we do.

4) I guess I want to be different but lack the courage. I want to stand out from the crowd but am afraid of the uncertain water that lies ahead of me. I want to be special and yet I do not want to be ostracised. I want to fucking be myself.

5) I am absolutely clueless.

6) I am not 100% sure that I want to be a lawyer. But I know all the benefits of studying the law. I guess studying the law is way more exciting than the other subjects that the university has to offer.

7) Law broadens the mind and allows me to see how the law forms the fabric of society and how all pillars of the economy are by and large dependent on the law and more importantly the study of law would equip me with the cutting edge skills necessary for the work force in the future.

8) Yes you are right, I copied the above paragraph from some law textbook which I can’t give a shit to.

9) But on the other hand, I have other interests that I wish to pursue such as my childhood ambition ……..to be a Porn Star.

10) I am just kidding.

11) I want to pursue my other interests in tourism, fashion merchandising or even be a trend setting road sweeper like those lucky bastards in Japan. But when is life ever fair?

12) So why is it that I seem to be leaning more towards the former by selling out to the rat race-esque corporate world (i.e. this Law school thing) rather than pursue my other varied interests?

13) I have no answer to the above question.

14) My brain has stopped functioning for sometime and I think that the only way to resuscitate its life support is……sex…

15) But the whole religion thing is screwing up my mind. On one hand I need to keep God’s commandment and be pure and holy and flee from lustful desires. On the other hand, I see sex all around me. In the magazines, on TV, on the internet, everywhere.

16) Why does God make it so difficult for me to obey his commandments? Or should I say why am I not relying on his strength to help me overcome this problem? Why am I not living by his grace that he so sufficiently gave me rather than live on the merits of my own works?

17) Satan is a hell of a genius with his ploys. But on hindsight, I think he is also pretty stupid to challenge God.

18) I love God and will never leave him.

19) I have just received my first wedding invtiation for the year. One of my poly friends is finally tying the knot. Congrats Diah! I am very happy for her and yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel that I am aging by the minute.

20) My friends are getting hitched and I am still stuck in NS. Oh man, the world is revolving and I am still stuck in a time zone. But I am happy to remain a swinging bachelor for the time being.

21) On second thoughts, I take that back.

22) I was reading the newspaper today and was quite affected by the article regarding a father taking actions into his own hands and going to the school to beat up the school bullies who disturbed his son.

23) FYI, the school bullies TOTALLY deserved it. Served them fucking right!!!!!!!!!! But on the other, these kids don't know what the hell they are doing and if they knew the full consequences of their actions, they would most probably stop. What an irony!

24) I can totally relate to how the victim felt and I wish that I could help.

25) I have never share this with anyone before, but I used to be bullied really bad when I was in secondary school. They were mainly name callings and being teased profusely. I am a pretty serious person and I took all the remarks seriously and I ended up being very secluded and a loner back than.

26) As a result, I carried this baggage with me throughout my growing up years and develop inferiority complex and always feel that I am not as good or as normal as others.

27) This has also affected my dealings with people as I started not to trust a lot of people as I feel that they are mean and have a hidden agenda against me.

28) I am still in rehab and I pray for God to be the main surgeon to repair this damage in my life. I want to learn to trust people and open myself up to them.

29) I have pledged to stop bullying and calling people names in camp because do not do onto others what you don’t want others to do onto you. I also would be nice to people.

30) Let me end on this point by giving a quote.

31) Aren’t we seeking after the wind? On one hand we are so sure that we want a certain thing so much but when we finally achieve it, we become unsure and uncertain again.

32) Haven’t we all been disappointed by dreams? Everything is meaningless when we become unsure. Isn’t it better to go with the flow and let our dreams carry us along…? We can only be certain of what we want when we achieve true happiness.

33) True happiness comes when we know what we are living for. Life is like that of a dream, where we choose to make our destiny and live every day knowing that your destiny is predestined and knowing that life is more than a mundane and routine task. Life is worth living for, every moment and every second.

34) Let us make life worth living for as our goal and dream for it certainly is. At least for me. .

35) This quote is for real. I wrote it myself.


*(PS: Thanks eeling for your pep talk, friends like you are one in a million and I thank God for allowing me the privilege to know you. I am really touched that you made a long distance call just to have a chat with me regarding my university application...)*