skeletons from the past.

Am I an immature prat who refuses to let go of the skeletons he stashes in his overflowing closet?

Hear me out.

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Secondary school days are supposed to bring back a lot of happy memories however mine wasn’t very memorable to begin with as I was always being picked on, being teased, being isolated, unpopular and often made fun of.
Back than I was a quiet and skinny and a little ‘soft’ kid who mostly studied 24/7 and kept mostly to himself so that others would not pick on me, however as it turns out the boys accused me of being a nazi-loving gay peep and the girls no doubt were nicer but probably also kept a distance away from me for the fear of being implicated in the ‘why are you friends with him’ shit.
I was like a leper in the middle temples that no one wanted to be friends with except for a couple of kind hearted souls who probably took pity on me or that moral crap to accept others as thyself. I hated being thrown into the pure science class which I totally couldn’t give a shit to.

I hated being reminded that I was the cream of the crop and the future of the school solely depended on our ‘almighty’ class. I disliked the fact that everyone was just mean to each other so that they can out perform each other. Outwit-outplay and outlast.
It was the rat race of the neighborhood school system. I mean the subjects I took were of no interest to me. I hated science and to make matters worse I was in the best class and I was underperforming.
Teachers loved to pick on me as I was always unprepared and lost in class discussions. Typical bait for the Predator, discover channel classics. As a result, I hated going to class and I hated myself for this predicament.
I lost my self, my dignity, my pride.
I was reduced to a non existent state in class and in school. And sadly in the world.

I felt miserable, alone and disliked.
I hated secondary school.
It was a complete disaster, to make matters worse I was in ECA which I completely detest and loathe but didn’t have the courage to quit. SJAB what a joke, I sometimes wish to reverse the clock and go back in time and quit SJAB and give them the ‘I can’t take another piece of your crap shit’.
I was undervalued and abused physically and emotionally from my perspective. I hated authority as much as control. I didn’t like the fact that I was a subordinate to someone whom I did not even have any remote respect for.
Maybe I was just a screwed up rebellious kid?
Maybe I was just going through a ‘phase’?
If only I knew back than…

Or was I just a queer kid who couldn’t integrate with the mainstream?
Why am I so different? I knew God intended and made us unique in a special way, but boy was I fucking different. That explains why I bear so much hurt and resentment to authorities and people.
That is why I felt so lonely and sometimes this loneliness causes me to want someone, to want something, to feel good about myself, to make all these fucking problems go away. Suicide did creep into my mind every now and than but I didn’t have the balls to do something as radical as that.

I was so alone, I mean I didn’t tell anyone about this not even my parents cause I didn’t want my parents to think that I am weird and of course I didn’t tell any of these to my classmates cause they already isolated me so why bear all of my feelings to them when they are just going to ‘abuse’ me even more.
Not even God I trust. I was absolutely alone.
Down in the murky pits.
They should just cordoned me off to the ‘losers’ group in school.
Why was I such a weirdo who can’t seem to be friends with anyone?
I don’t hate anyone, I don’t hate anything, I just don’t want to be associated with anything with my secondary school ever.

Things got slightly better when I was in the polytechnic.
I mean I made a couple of really close friends people that I truly like and care for and people who cherish and acknowledge me for who I am, became popular in class at least for having the courage to speak up without the fear of condemnation and ability to express my views, was in the faculty’s whos whos list, came out tops in my cohort,
I was finally someone.
I regained a lot of my confidence but the wounds from my past were not totally erased. There were times when I felt that I couldn’t relate to people and there were times when I felt that I couldn’t fully trust people and felt that it was better for me to be a loner and do things solely by myself.
I will sometimes get overly suspicious of people and think that they are snickering behind my back and laughing at me.
I couldn’t care less but I would be lying to say it didn’t hurt.

Now that I am doing decently well, I have no desire whatsoever to go back to the time where all the painful memories lie.
I mean what for torture myself and bring back all theses bad memories.
All of these have past and they can’t do any more damage to me unless I want myself to be held captive to these unpleasant thoughts. I have a chance to start anew and live life with absolute freedom so let it be than.
I want to be free from unkind people, unpleasant words of destruction and most importantly I want to be free from my past.
My past cant hurt me anymore than I want it to be, so I need to release all these anxieties and fears to God and let him handle it.
Most importantly, I must hang on and allow God to bring to completion the recovery work that he is doing inside me.

The past has already past. I can’t alter my past.
My past shape me and mould me to become the person I am today.
My past forms my identity. I can only look to the future and learn important life lessons from the past. I am not a loner.
I am no different from other kids.
I am intelligent and smart and kind and funny at least to my close friends.
I am popular because God intended for me to be popular and well liked.
I am everything that is reversal from secondary school because I know that is true.
I rebuke the lies of the evil one. I don’t dislike people from my past. I have already forgiven what they have done to me. I need to forgive people to move on with my life.

Think about it, why stall my life because some people said something nasty to me or do something terrible to me?
Why stall my life when I know that I have far more potential than what others make me out to be?
Why stall my life from the many blessings God has given to me?
If James Frey can turn his life upside down from snort and cocaine, meth, glue, alcohol, crack and fuck shit. I think I can do much better than him because my life is still repairable and I want it to be fu8cking working well because I still have damn much more to see, to do and to accomplish.
I am not calling it quits until I win the race and face my life’s greatest fear head on and tell my fears that I have conquered them.

When I met chee and tze today, I am honestly happy for them and what is going on in their lives. I am happy that they are doing well.
I am happy that they are in contact. I am happy that they are still friends.
I do wish that I can spend more time and be friends with them and I know that I will eventually come around to that, but I do sincerely want to be having pleasant and good memories about them even the other people in 407.

They are mostly pretty decent and nice people. I wish them the best. It’s just that back than I may be slightly narrowed minded @ who couldn’t let go of things people said. I took things way too much seriously than I should. So now I guess some people will finally know why I may appear to be so serious @ times but honestly I don’t want to feel that way.
No more ill feelings. I want to release them to God because I don’t want to be held bondage to it anymore.
Indeed a moment in freedom is better than a life forever in bondage. I can do this because I believe in a supreme being who loves me just the way I am. I believe in myself and I will and am still trying to believe in others.
With these ingredients of love, faith and patience, I will succeed.

I am sure I will succeed. If all else fail, I would just hold-on.

Because holding on is far better from falling down.

Because James held on.

Because I don’t want to let my love ones down.

Because God cares too much and he doesn’t want me destroyed and battered.

Because I fucking love myself so much that I don’t want to see myself emotionally torn again.

Because….

**this is really one of my true and heartfelt blog entry’s ever and I am not putting this out so that others can so fondly gossip and talk about but because I know there are tons of kids who are going through what I fucking went through and I want to set them free from this bondage and empower them and tell them they are not alone in this journey and that sometimes speaking up and fighting for oneself is the only justice you can do for yourself. That’s why I fell in love with law in the first place, because the law is supposed to be fair and just. Because the law is about protecting our fundamental rights as an individual. Because the law is an avenue for us to speak up and be heard and be judged according to the merits of our actions and nothing else. I swear to be nicer to the weird peeps in my camp and in society. They probably went through more shit than me. Indeed life goes on and I feel so completely @ ease now that the truth is out and no longer hidden from others. **