take me downtown...
I ate my words….
The healing has never started, the desires for the dark just intensified. I can never explain myself; the question is where do I start on the long journey back to the safe side? I have masked my feelings all along, when the time is ripe; the fruit will harvest and fall. That’s what’s happening now; I am trembling as I’m writing this not in fear but remnants of my past are never quite through.
I want to cry and I think I just did. The true question is who has abandoned who? I know the answer deep down; the trouble with me is acknowledging the truth and allowing the healing process to begin. It’s hard to keep my hands together at this moment, the trembling has intensified. No doubt the euphoria of drugs reach a peak of forbidden ecstasy, but the feeling on the way down is equally mind blowing. I need to rest, but my body refused to obey. I am no longer making the decisions some one else is. For better or for worse, I am heading on a downward spiral. How far more before I reach rock bottom?
When has learning to say no become so hard? I really wonder….
My heart is pounding faster than before, my brain racing at an adrenaline speed, will this ‘high’ continue forever? I wonder again…. It’s easy to see the errors in other people lives, but hard to focus on the anomalies in my own life. When things are not looking good, where do we run to? It’s simple to pay lip service and give a rhetoric answer, ‘God’. When has acknowledging the truth been so hard? My mind is awakened from the overdose of speed, but sad to say my emotional quotient has gone down a notch. The balance is never equal. It’s a double edged sword cutting right down at the centre. I will choose EQ hands down.
What is shame? I know no shame anymore, what I have done is irresponsible and wrong, the thrill of the unknown and dark is indeed tempting? But there are consequences in everything we do. Its either I stop now or live in regret and ‘shame’ forever more, wait a minute, I am friends with ‘shame’, so I have only 1 option left?
(**to someone I talked with this evening, you are a friend indeed. i really want this to end, I guess you are right, not knowing when to stop is a sure sign of self destruction.** )
The healing has never started, the desires for the dark just intensified. I can never explain myself; the question is where do I start on the long journey back to the safe side? I have masked my feelings all along, when the time is ripe; the fruit will harvest and fall. That’s what’s happening now; I am trembling as I’m writing this not in fear but remnants of my past are never quite through.
I want to cry and I think I just did. The true question is who has abandoned who? I know the answer deep down; the trouble with me is acknowledging the truth and allowing the healing process to begin. It’s hard to keep my hands together at this moment, the trembling has intensified. No doubt the euphoria of drugs reach a peak of forbidden ecstasy, but the feeling on the way down is equally mind blowing. I need to rest, but my body refused to obey. I am no longer making the decisions some one else is. For better or for worse, I am heading on a downward spiral. How far more before I reach rock bottom?
When has learning to say no become so hard? I really wonder….
My heart is pounding faster than before, my brain racing at an adrenaline speed, will this ‘high’ continue forever? I wonder again…. It’s easy to see the errors in other people lives, but hard to focus on the anomalies in my own life. When things are not looking good, where do we run to? It’s simple to pay lip service and give a rhetoric answer, ‘God’. When has acknowledging the truth been so hard? My mind is awakened from the overdose of speed, but sad to say my emotional quotient has gone down a notch. The balance is never equal. It’s a double edged sword cutting right down at the centre. I will choose EQ hands down.
What is shame? I know no shame anymore, what I have done is irresponsible and wrong, the thrill of the unknown and dark is indeed tempting? But there are consequences in everything we do. Its either I stop now or live in regret and ‘shame’ forever more, wait a minute, I am friends with ‘shame’, so I have only 1 option left?
(**to someone I talked with this evening, you are a friend indeed. i really want this to end, I guess you are right, not knowing when to stop is a sure sign of self destruction.** )
posted by theflyisneverdead at 8/28/2006 05:24:00 PM
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